Random 10-mins Writing

You may know something about introversion, you may relate it to shyness and hypersensitiveness. While actually those 3 things are different. Introverts aren't always typical shy nor hypersensitive and vice versa. Actually, none of them is considered negative as I read in Psychology, But I feel that Introverts, shy people or hypersensitive people have such a tendency to be deemed as weirdos or at least as people whom difficult to understand --get negative judgments.

You may also know about Bipolar Disorder that famous with one of its symptoms: drastic mood-swing. I don't know whether I suffer from it or not. But, I have 9 of its 10 symptoms which one website provides . You might have experienced or felt that I often be so puzzling, I could be super happy and cheerful, then in seconds, I turned to a super annoying person. Or, I asked you guys to eat somewhere, then when we have arrived and I haven't even finished my meal, I wanted to leave the place. I feel sad until I cry without even knowing the reason. I used to write things in order to seek for attention, until I have to stop using social medias for months, just to try stopping myself.

My personality is a combination of those "complex" things and they shape myself into a complicated self. I'm an introvert, also typical shy and hypersensitive person (and may be bipolar sufferer). For years, I've tried to transform myself to a better one. Better doesn't mean changing my introversion to extroversion. In my perspective, better is closer to eliminating the obstacles in the socializing process that often come from my "weird" personality. 

Well, I guess you may think that I'm so much different now than the description above --I'm no longer quiet, shy and hypersensitive. I talk loudly, be among the crowds and stand in the front confidently. To be honest, I try so hard to do those things. I leave my comfort zone to survive in the friendships I've built. Briefly saying, it's not easy for me. 

It's not a grievance anyway. I'm learning wholeheartedly.

On the other side, there are always my friends who try their best to deal with my drastic mood-swing and unpredictability --which are difficult to deal with. When they asked about what's happening on me, I couldn't explain to them, not because I didn't want to but because I didn't even know why those situations emerged. I once said to one of them, "friends of mine are all great, because they are so patient in dealing with me and my complexities". However, just because they are great and patient, doesn't mean I stop learning to improve myself. Big hug to all of my beloved friends! 

I wrote this so that you know, that I need something named process in order to be a better person. Besides, I'm not good in explaining directly about myself to people and I hope this piece of writing could be answers for all questions you've kept about my behaviors, actions or else. Oh, also, so that you could understand... certain personalities do exist and you may not jump to conclusion that they're all are negative -- due to our tendency to use what we have or do as benchmark or indicator in judging people. Learn others. 

Letter to Heaven

My Heaven, I miss you.
Going back to around 11 years ago, when I had to resist my tears while kissing you. That's my first and last kiss for you.

Still remember... How people embraced me at the moment. They said, I'm a good and tough little-girl and if I cried, then you'd be sad.

Okay... I didn't cry. But the moment changed the idea about life to 11-years-old me. I didn't wanna live long, what I said to myself. I'm afraid... Afraid that my another beloved people will leave me and I can't resist my tears anymore when it happens. Afraid feeling grew into scared one, I even asked God to pick me up first before He does it to my another beloved ones. Little-me realized that it's such a selfish one, yet she really scared to feel another loss. For weeks, I couldn't sleep because of that paranoia.

But, magically I healed it. Busied with my homeworks, new friends, new house, new school, good scores, and so on. Your photo on my desk was enough. You're so far away yet I have many people that love me here.

My Heaven... You used to tell me this, "if someone who have passed away really love us, they won't come into our dreams." Then I asked you back with a why. With a smile you answered me, "because they don't wanna make us miss them more and feel sad, honey..."

That's why you never appeared in my dreams? Even once, you never. Amazing how you stick to ur words for years. You must love me much. I know, right?

Time is up and I know what to do now. I have to come back home, meet the dining and living room. I wanna come back home, so that I can feel you there.

Hey Love

Okay, I stop.

I've tried my best but I feel like I dream alone about this gigantic love. Anyway, this is a love.

I offer you thanks and sorry, Love.
Pick one that you think fits best as a final word from me. Or you can pick both of them if you want to. Treat yourself.

Nice to meet you, Love.
You're insanely awesome. I have no idea about ingredients you have thus give such an addiction on me. Caffeine, maybe? Or it's kind of nicotine? You know, I don't.

I also ask myself many times about reasons to feel you yet I don't find any, even just one. People say that's a sign of a true love. I don't know, you judge.

Hey Love, here we are.
I give these wings back to you. I stop flying, now. With this fear of height and no one waits for me between the sky and the ground, I have no guts to fly.

I write on a piece of paper, fold it into a paper plane and ask the wind to fly it to you. Thanks and/or sorry from me for everything I did when feeling you, Love.

Dear Time

I don't know whether Time is my friend or enemy. Whether it will keep silent or do its job -- revealing everything. It never told me. And I really can't read a thing named Time.

Oh Time, I know you're busy. That's why you walk so fast, right? But, Time... Can we talk a bit?

If cooking you delicious foods will make us sit together and be friends, I'll learn cooking. If we can't even have a chit-chat about your favorite things, could you please write on a piece of paper then throw it to me while you're walking and passing me by?

I'd love to know you, Time.

I Deserve More Than A Lazy Aurora Got

How lucky Aurora was, who did just sleeping and be saved by a gentle Prince with his kiss. Whereas I have to beg my brain working hardest to find a way out of the reluctance and fight with the cynical sun that never forget to work at its best. Walk and trust my heart that says the nomadic Prince is still there -- in the place that we first met, while I know how nomads live. How if he's not there and I'll get only "at leasts" when arrive? I deserve more than "at leasts" as lessons, God. I ask more.

Pikachu

Pikachu, why are you totally silent now?

'Pikapi... Pikachu!!!' That how you sounded your name. You used to fill my days with your noisy yet unbeatably cute voice. Noisy, thus you be such an alarm to wake me up. Noisy, thus you be a distraction from everything I was doing. Noisy, thus you drew a smile on my face when my tears were flowing.

I woke up late, so that you'd feel worry about me and force me to get up. I tried to be super busy, so that you'd feel annoyed and try to get my attention. I even cried hard and made liters of tears, so that you'd bring me candies and do silly things in front of my face.

Where the hell have you gone?
Don't give my candies to other girls, hey! Those are mine. Besides, I don't think there are another 23 years-old girls who love eating candies more than myself does... They're busy with their diets and won't eat those sweet candies. You don't know them, I know.

Your jokes aren't funny, they won't laugh. I was just too nice you, wasn't I?

Come and surprised me tonight, Pikachu. I'm missing you a lot. Also, don't forget about my candies!

If Only I Could Have Another Chance

You told me everything when you were about to leave, why?

How could I know that I’ve been that cold to you if you didn’t tell me earlier?

My dear... If only I could have one more chance to show you my feelings, I wouldn’t be as reluctant as myself – I would try to be more than myself could be.

If only I could have another chance,

I would wake up earlier than you some days in a week – so, you would feel as happy as myself when I got you as my beloved alarm in my every morning.

If only I could have another chance,

then I would call you with the sweetest nicknames. What do you like the most? Honey, Sweetie or Baby? Please choose.

If only I could have another chance,

I would go to Thailand and meet you there – I wouldn’t ask you to come here, I wouldn’t protest why it should be Thailand, I wouldn’t hear what my friends said, I wouldn’t afraid to go abroad alone, I wouldn’t ignore my heart.

If only I could have another chance,

I wouldn’t be outside until midnight until my phone’s battery drained and make you wait for my texts or phone-calls  while I know you’re too tired and sleepy.

If only I could have another chance,

I would know that you deserved a sweet lover – who’ll use her 2% remained phone-battery to text you and then steal her friend’s phone just to text you or who’ll call you in the first place when she’s having a very limited internet access.

If only I could have another chance,

I wouldn’t go out and have fun with my friends while there, you’re stressed out in revising your thesis. I should’ve make you feel close to me even when we’re not separated by miles.

If only I could have another chance, I would say yes to every sweet questions you asked me.

If only I could have another chance...

A Gigantic Love

My Dear… If I wanted to, I could come to you when you asked me to.

I have a gigantic love for you and I wanna make sure you deserve it. I wanna see how fate and magic work for us, see how our patience and love survive so that finally we can have more than a love story. We can name it a gigantic love story.

I let the distance becomes longer, in order to see how much you’ll miss me. Risky, yes it is. I know that some other things might happen. You might forget me instead of miss me, meet many girls and the worst possibility is fall in in love with some of them. I don’t let you yet I don’t wanna control you. Remember, I used to tell you that we don’t control each other’s  thing – both mind and heart, our ownselves do. I’m afraid to lose you yet I’m curious about your love for me – so I give you a test, thus I choose to walk on this road rather than fly on fast-track of the air. I deserve your gigantic love, not the ordinary one. Gigantic love or no love, at all.

That’s what I mean, but I don’t need to tell you – even give you hints. Again, possibilities are everywhere. Misunderstanding might get a big chance to come into your mind. You might think that I don’t love you anymore. I know… Moreover, I realize. But, I don’t even want to resist it. I totally let you doing your parts. I want you to learn myself without interfering your mind. I want you to love me without asking you to. Really, I hate asking. Learn about me, because that’s a slice of a round of a gigantic love.

The current situation is… You’re away. You’re thousands mile away, physically – from me. Your love might be away – together with you. I have no idea whether it’s the ending (no-love-at-all ending) or it’s only a part of the episodes.

I don’t wanna guess about what’s really happening, whether ours has met its ending or it still has some more episodes. I have a gigantic love for you, I said. I learn yourself because of my gigantic love and I don’t wanna stop today. This is my part, please don’t interfere. I won’t bother you with my questions while I’m learning, so don’t worry. Direct answers are easy to get, but I’m not interested to them. I hate asking and I’ll find the answer by myself. One day when we meet in person, I’ll show you how I’ve learned about you well. When will we meet? Let the fate and magic work while I’m taking care of my love and patience.

My dear, nothing is futile… I learn you too often. If you know what I mean.

Cheers!

Thanks...

all I can do is, write a letter.

Let's Runaway! (Little Baghdad, Kemang)

Hours ago, just had fun dinner with my Chibi and Ayi. Yippie! Actually not-so-in-the-mood to step out from my room, but they are my exception then :D

I didn't have to pretend that I'm happy, cause I'll always be happy when I'm with them.

My room will always be a playground -_-

We've planned to go out for dinner and we decided to go to Little Baghdad, Kemang. Actually it's a tea and shisha house, but it has many delicious foods, too. Well, place is in second place... be with them is in the first place.

This is how Little Baghdad looks like. It has outdoor sets too, but I  was too lazy to take the pict hehe

Arabian foods that we ordered

I really had fun there, we talked about everything... Million hugs for you both! ;)

xoxo

See you when I'm great enough!

Let's Runaway! (Jogjakarta)

Times ago, I started an adventure. Hahaha actually... at the time I needed to refresh my mind so much. Then, my best friend, Lala asked me to go to Jogja. Lucky me, I had some saving and I agree to do that.

I was really need to bring my (unimportant) over-thought somewhere and leave it there. Well, it worked well. I forgot about him and enjoyed my runaway time with this dearest friend in Jogja... enjoyed it from my first step.

We decided to take a business train that left Jakarta in the morning from Stasiun Senen, called Fajar Utama Yogya. We booked it online and I love this train! Fyi, the train is completed with a charging port and air conditioner. The most important thing is, it's comfortable and clean.

Look like backpackers? hehe

Arrived at Stasiun Senen so early. Thanks Aaron for taking us ({})

Our tickets. Yeay!

Charging port and our childish stuffs. 

We tried to make our trip fun :D 

Documentation is the most.... important!

I was really sleepy at the time, but then this thing distracted me so much. Couldn't stop looking at the... Peaceful view. I wanna kiss them all :3

In 9 hours... We arrived at Stasiun Tugu Jogjakarta. Yippieeee. And we took becak to find a hotel. Just for Rp5.000!

This man took us until we got a hotel to stay :")

We stayed at a hotel near Malioboro. We could walk on foot and shopped in Malioboro. Oh My God.. I love Malioboro to the max! I wanted to buy every stuffs for real..

Then, we met Lala's cousin named Faris that studies there. Faris and his friends took us to Raminten.

With Faris at Raminten

Next day, we explored Jogja by ourselves.

Becak oh becak

We walked on foot in this street

Had some coffee in one of Jogja's cafe

Thanks to my other best friend, Lesly... who let her friend accompanied us during our runaway in Jogja in our last days. They're Angga and Goben. They took us to Alun-alun, accompanied me to pass the gate there with eyes closed and I made it!


They also introduced their other friends to us in the last day. We planned to go to the beach, but for some reason we couldn't make it. So, we go to a place called Parangendhog. And, this is a great place with a great view.

Parangtritis view from above

New brothers! Yeay!

In brief... Jogja is soooo peaceful!

What a Shame :(

Unlucky me, I'm still thinking of you until this second.

I went back to our first conversation... I expected nothing at the time. I guarded myself, responded you less because I didn't wanna hope too much on you. Time went by, for some reason I tried to believe on your words, decided to take risks. Even my friends didn't believe on you, I tried to walk on this path and insanely hoped for a miracle. Then I started to build my dream... with you.

You became one of my habits. You might not know, but for me habit is something I loved and addicted to... I felt regret why I was so serious in this. I drown on this, and I knew that you had no idea how much I miss you.

You might laugh on me, now. Might be... you just fooled me and played around with me while I thought that I was the only girl that you talked to. What the hell...

I dreamt too high... I should know that you're not serious and just teased me, didn't you?
You never meant your "I love you", right?

It's not your fault... It's my bad. My bad.

I am Standing Still

"...So far away, I wish you were here. Before it's too late, this could all disappear. Before the doors close and it comes to an end. With you by my side I will fight and defend, I'll fight and defend"

...

Avril Lavigne - Keep Holding On

To be honest, my heart always sing that song... everytime. But my brain reminds me... that I've wasted too much time in this. 

Feeling stupid, why do I always just feel and never think?

Yesterday, I shared story to 2 of my God brothers... I didn't even finish telling them my whole story, and one of them cut my sentence and said... 

"No need to continue the story... I said that you must stop. You've wasted too much time. That's a big obstacle and you couldn't continue this. You're so miserable... Enjoy your life, don't be like this."

And the other one said.. 

"I ever told you, right? I used harsh words and said that you might not trust him... You could talk to him everytime but I asked you must not to focus on that guy only. Open yourself to another guys too. And now you could see that, this is your biggest mistake."

I told them that that wasn't my first time I heard that kind of suggestions. My brain has told me to do that, too. But I had no idea why I always follow my heart, waited for him and believed that there will be a way for us to make this works. 

Yeah... Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. We're so much different in many things, especially in the way of think. Men are logical, women are emotional. Including these my 2 God brothers and... Him also.

Well, let see what will I do. Still stubborn and prior my feeling or work hard to think like men... Logically.

Why is Heaven So Far?

Dear someone in heaven,
Suddenly, I miss you soooo bad. But unlucky me, heaven is too far to be reached.

I'm so sorry when you're still beside me, I seldom talked to you. Now... I'm craving to talk to you, share to you about my stories until laugh or even cry loudly and... hug you tightly.

How are you there? God must take care of you very well, right? you must have the most comfortable bed to sleep and get the most delicious foods to eat. And, how do you look? I'm so curious about it, since our last meeting was 10 years ago. But again... I'm sure that you're far prettier than you were years ago.

Well, I'm doing fine enough here. See you when I see you ;)

"Dear God, the only thing I ask of you is to hold her when I'm not around... When I'm much too far away."

Avenged Sevenfold - Dear God

A Letter For Self

Hola my dear self,

I beg you to control yourself. You know yourself best, dear. You're mature enough to set your priority. What's that? your future. Do something good for your future. Take a step, do something, pray to God for your dreams.

For now, all you have to do is do and finish your thesis in 3 months. Make your parents proud to have you as a daughter. No more stubbornness... do what they ask you to do. No more procrastination, you have to write even a paragraph for your thesis each day... at least.

Believe me...
When you've done your thesis, your life will be easier. And your parents will be happy for that, for sure.

After it you can start chasing your dreams...

Don't you wanna get a scholarship to study abroad? Live in another country and be surrounded by new people with different culture? Go get it after you finish the thesis.

Don't you wanna get married soon and live happily with your dreamy husband? You'll have it, dear. But again, finish your thesis, first ;)

All you have to do now is doing your thesis. Don't waste you time in thinking about love life, for months ahead. That's too risky to do now. You can do this later.

I know and believe you can do this.
Do this for me, okay?

Lots of luck,


-Your self

"If you wanna live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things."

-Albert Einstein

Everything Can Change In a Blink of Eyes

"My dear, don't laugh too loud... I'm afraid that you'll cry loud after it."

That some word from my father. Now, I know what it means. Something can change, even in a blink of our eyes, as fast as thunder, as easy as you flip your hand and so on...

Times ago, I felt very happy cause of someone. I don't know him well, he doesn't know me either.

He's a participant from an event I arranged for. Many girls like him. Well, no offense... He's handsome. My friends were busy with him, talked about him. But i felt nothing's special, I joined my friends just for fun during the event. Lol.

In brief, secret and amazing way weeks later after the event... we suddenly close to each other. Talk all the time. He even said that he loves me. I'm trying hard to know him better, first. And I never expected that he survives --keep contacting me for months even I responded him with nothing special.

Finally, I responded for his feeling. I said it to him, "I think I love you, too. Even I have to convince myself more". He asked me the reason, then I answered, "Hehe, you have to know that I couldn't open myself and talk much to everyone. I'm very happy cause I could talk to you this open, honest and straightforwardly. I feel comfortable in talking with you. I thought that's all."

Everything went smoothly. We talked almost every time. He sent me morning text, good nite greetings, and everyday we never skipped time to talk. This is perfect... I thought. I'm very happy, happiness that I couldn't describe in words.

Then...
Something happened. I don't even know clearly what's that something. All I know, our conversation became cold and not close anymore. We really try to fix, but it didn't work. Again, I have to let the happiness go.

I don't know and will never know what someone saves in their heart.
All I know is, i've drown into this habit and have to get out, soon.

"Coffee and love are best when they are hot."

-German Proverb

Late greetings: Merry Christmas! :)

Merry Christmas to everyone, especially friends who celebrate this Holy-Day!

I always love the scent of Christmas Eve. Christmas tree, Gifts and Santa.

Colorful and joyful. Scent of Christmas.

I love the scent of Christmas.

This year, I join the celebration.

We have a christmas tree.

Feel the scent of Christmas (for real).

And I love it! :)

Once more, Merry Christmas everyone!

Cheers! Smile :)

Learning Languages Online!

Helloooooo! Long time no post hahaha. Busy as a college student I think. There are many tasks I have to do, Mid Test, Final Test, working group, individual assignment, reading many books, do researches and also hang out with my best frieeends.

As an International Relations student, I have to master some foreign languages (English is not included). In Paramadina, I have to join Second Foreign Language class. There are four options; Chinese, French, Arabian and Japanese. And among those languages students have to choose one. Apparently I want to master all of those languages! But, I couldn't do that :( So i decided to choose Chinese as mine.

Besides, I really interested in Italian. But, some people doesn't do love to choose Italian as foreign language beside English. I have bought some books to learn Italian, but I have some problems about its pronunciation :(

Suddenly, I want to google about The Italian Language Learning Center.. And I found some websites which offer to teach us online! :'D I was really happy I found them! I was trying to learn Italian in some websites and I think that was really amazing and interesting. Some of them teach us about the pronunciation also, by preparing the lesson in the audio format.

Try them ;) I'll give you link. There are many languages there. Good Luck :D

Click Here Guys!

Yearbook Photo Session

Hhmm I want to share to you all. weeks ago (Dec 6th 2008), me and my classmates went to the Waterboom Lippo Cikarang to do a photo session for our yearbook. Our class theme is Summer, so we thought Waterboom is the right place. I was very nervous to think about my class photo session (I’m a yearbook committee represent my class).

Our starting point is at school. We had to arrive at school at 6.30 in the morning. But, like usual there are some students who came very late hhh.

We prayed before left school. We left school at 8.00 am. We’re really enjoy on the trip. we got crazy! Hhh:D

We arrived there at 9.00 am. some of my friends took some photos there. I was busy to buy tickets for them. Argh! I was stress because they didn’t want to hear my instruction. I was in the bad mood at the time. Then, some friends tried to calm me down.

There are so many beautiful sides in Waterboom. It’s so ‘Bali’ hh. I love it so. We took only 3 hours to take photo. And after that, we can play everything there. Nice:) I love it. these are our photos during we had fun there. check it out.