Random 10-mins Writing

You may know something about introversion, you may relate it to shyness and hypersensitiveness. While actually those 3 things are different. Introverts aren't always typical shy nor hypersensitive and vice versa. Actually, none of them is considered negative as I read in Psychology, But I feel that Introverts, shy people or hypersensitive people have such a tendency to be deemed as weirdos or at least as people whom difficult to understand --get negative judgments.

You may also know about Bipolar Disorder that famous with one of its symptoms: drastic mood-swing. I don't know whether I suffer from it or not. But, I have 9 of its 10 symptoms which one website provides . You might have experienced or felt that I often be so puzzling, I could be super happy and cheerful, then in seconds, I turned to a super annoying person. Or, I asked you guys to eat somewhere, then when we have arrived and I haven't even finished my meal, I wanted to leave the place. I feel sad until I cry without even knowing the reason. I used to write things in order to seek for attention, until I have to stop using social medias for months, just to try stopping myself.

My personality is a combination of those "complex" things and they shape myself into a complicated self. I'm an introvert, also typical shy and hypersensitive person (and may be bipolar sufferer). For years, I've tried to transform myself to a better one. Better doesn't mean changing my introversion to extroversion. In my perspective, better is closer to eliminating the obstacles in the socializing process that often come from my "weird" personality. 

Well, I guess you may think that I'm so much different now than the description above --I'm no longer quiet, shy and hypersensitive. I talk loudly, be among the crowds and stand in the front confidently. To be honest, I try so hard to do those things. I leave my comfort zone to survive in the friendships I've built. Briefly saying, it's not easy for me. 

It's not a grievance anyway. I'm learning wholeheartedly.

On the other side, there are always my friends who try their best to deal with my drastic mood-swing and unpredictability --which are difficult to deal with. When they asked about what's happening on me, I couldn't explain to them, not because I didn't want to but because I didn't even know why those situations emerged. I once said to one of them, "friends of mine are all great, because they are so patient in dealing with me and my complexities". However, just because they are great and patient, doesn't mean I stop learning to improve myself. Big hug to all of my beloved friends! 

I wrote this so that you know, that I need something named process in order to be a better person. Besides, I'm not good in explaining directly about myself to people and I hope this piece of writing could be answers for all questions you've kept about my behaviors, actions or else. Oh, also, so that you could understand... certain personalities do exist and you may not jump to conclusion that they're all are negative -- due to our tendency to use what we have or do as benchmark or indicator in judging people. Learn others. 

Letter to Heaven

My Heaven, I miss you.
Going back to around 11 years ago, when I had to resist my tears while kissing you. That's my first and last kiss for you.

Still remember... How people embraced me at the moment. They said, I'm a good and tough little-girl and if I cried, then you'd be sad.

Okay... I didn't cry. But the moment changed the idea about life to 11-years-old me. I didn't wanna live long, what I said to myself. I'm afraid... Afraid that my another beloved people will leave me and I can't resist my tears anymore when it happens. Afraid feeling grew into scared one, I even asked God to pick me up first before He does it to my another beloved ones. Little-me realized that it's such a selfish one, yet she really scared to feel another loss. For weeks, I couldn't sleep because of that paranoia.

But, magically I healed it. Busied with my homeworks, new friends, new house, new school, good scores, and so on. Your photo on my desk was enough. You're so far away yet I have many people that love me here.

My Heaven... You used to tell me this, "if someone who have passed away really love us, they won't come into our dreams." Then I asked you back with a why. With a smile you answered me, "because they don't wanna make us miss them more and feel sad, honey..."

That's why you never appeared in my dreams? Even once, you never. Amazing how you stick to ur words for years. You must love me much. I know, right?

Time is up and I know what to do now. I have to come back home, meet the dining and living room. I wanna come back home, so that I can feel you there.

Hey Love

Okay, I stop.

I've tried my best but I feel like I dream alone about this gigantic love. Anyway, this is a love.

I offer you thanks and sorry, Love.
Pick one that you think fits best as a final word from me. Or you can pick both of them if you want to. Treat yourself.

Nice to meet you, Love.
You're insanely awesome. I have no idea about ingredients you have thus give such an addiction on me. Caffeine, maybe? Or it's kind of nicotine? You know, I don't.

I also ask myself many times about reasons to feel you yet I don't find any, even just one. People say that's a sign of a true love. I don't know, you judge.

Hey Love, here we are.
I give these wings back to you. I stop flying, now. With this fear of height and no one waits for me between the sky and the ground, I have no guts to fly.

I write on a piece of paper, fold it into a paper plane and ask the wind to fly it to you. Thanks and/or sorry from me for everything I did when feeling you, Love.

Dear Time

I don't know whether Time is my friend or enemy. Whether it will keep silent or do its job -- revealing everything. It never told me. And I really can't read a thing named Time.

Oh Time, I know you're busy. That's why you walk so fast, right? But, Time... Can we talk a bit?

If cooking you delicious foods will make us sit together and be friends, I'll learn cooking. If we can't even have a chit-chat about your favorite things, could you please write on a piece of paper then throw it to me while you're walking and passing me by?

I'd love to know you, Time.

I Deserve More Than A Lazy Aurora Got

How lucky Aurora was, who did just sleeping and be saved by a gentle Prince with his kiss. Whereas I have to beg my brain working hardest to find a way out of the reluctance and fight with the cynical sun that never forget to work at its best. Walk and trust my heart that says the nomadic Prince is still there -- in the place that we first met, while I know how nomads live. How if he's not there and I'll get only "at leasts" when arrive? I deserve more than "at leasts" as lessons, God. I ask more.

Pikachu

Pikachu, why are you totally silent now?

'Pikapi... Pikachu!!!' That how you sounded your name. You used to fill my days with your noisy yet unbeatably cute voice. Noisy, thus you be such an alarm to wake me up. Noisy, thus you be a distraction from everything I was doing. Noisy, thus you drew a smile on my face when my tears were flowing.

I woke up late, so that you'd feel worry about me and force me to get up. I tried to be super busy, so that you'd feel annoyed and try to get my attention. I even cried hard and made liters of tears, so that you'd bring me candies and do silly things in front of my face.

Where the hell have you gone?
Don't give my candies to other girls, hey! Those are mine. Besides, I don't think there are another 23 years-old girls who love eating candies more than myself does... They're busy with their diets and won't eat those sweet candies. You don't know them, I know.

Your jokes aren't funny, they won't laugh. I was just too nice you, wasn't I?

Come and surprised me tonight, Pikachu. I'm missing you a lot. Also, don't forget about my candies!

If Only I Could Have Another Chance

You told me everything when you were about to leave, why?

How could I know that I’ve been that cold to you if you didn’t tell me earlier?

My dear... If only I could have one more chance to show you my feelings, I wouldn’t be as reluctant as myself – I would try to be more than myself could be.

If only I could have another chance,

I would wake up earlier than you some days in a week – so, you would feel as happy as myself when I got you as my beloved alarm in my every morning.

If only I could have another chance,

then I would call you with the sweetest nicknames. What do you like the most? Honey, Sweetie or Baby? Please choose.

If only I could have another chance,

I would go to Thailand and meet you there – I wouldn’t ask you to come here, I wouldn’t protest why it should be Thailand, I wouldn’t hear what my friends said, I wouldn’t afraid to go abroad alone, I wouldn’t ignore my heart.

If only I could have another chance,

I wouldn’t be outside until midnight until my phone’s battery drained and make you wait for my texts or phone-calls  while I know you’re too tired and sleepy.

If only I could have another chance,

I would know that you deserved a sweet lover – who’ll use her 2% remained phone-battery to text you and then steal her friend’s phone just to text you or who’ll call you in the first place when she’s having a very limited internet access.

If only I could have another chance,

I wouldn’t go out and have fun with my friends while there, you’re stressed out in revising your thesis. I should’ve make you feel close to me even when we’re not separated by miles.

If only I could have another chance, I would say yes to every sweet questions you asked me.

If only I could have another chance...